What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
