i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
im holly from the hills drunk
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
