i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
