Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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