I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I have aggressive nipples.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
