I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
