grandma shit on top of the toilet
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
