Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
