why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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