I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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