I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
