i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
