why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize