You smell like a Billy Joel song
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
