Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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