I think i sorta joined a cult last night
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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