Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
