I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize