I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Randomize
