I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
