My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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