Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
