It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
