Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
