Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
