wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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