I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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