I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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