I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
