I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
