Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
