I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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