Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
