She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
