you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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