There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
