I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
