We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
