I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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