Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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