walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
