Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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