Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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