she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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