hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
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