im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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