I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
