Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
