i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize