Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
