If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
