good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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