I haven't been this sober since birth.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
