i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
