i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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