I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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