Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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