My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
