im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize