No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
