oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
