your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize